Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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