I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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