Those balls look pretty dangerous.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
