are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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