No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
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She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
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I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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