I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
