I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
