your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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