I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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