shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
