i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
