If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
