If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
