I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Say something about gay babies.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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