oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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