Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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