Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
