just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize