i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
