I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
