Where is the hickey?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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