you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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