Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
