I'm gonna have a badass scar
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
