I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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