feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
