I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
