The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
