I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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