Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
