I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
