Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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