Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
