I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
