Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
