I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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