I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Canadian or clown?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I want is dick and wine.