3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why are you drunk at the library?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.