I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.