How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
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If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic