i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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