My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
