ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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