Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The convent might be a nice break from real life
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
