mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
