fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
