Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
