I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
