Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
