this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
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I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize