You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
