he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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