You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
A bitchslap is in order.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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