Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
this is an emotional support booty call
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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