Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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