it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
