For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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