Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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