census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
