my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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